"Oh, there's sunshine, blessed sunshine"

   6:40 a.m. I hear the recorder be played. In my little condo you would be surprised to know how good the acoustics are! I had just knelt down for a morning prayer and I thought how I needed to go quite Ireland so he didn't wake up his folks or his three sleeping siblings. As I tried to concentrate through my prayer, half-hearted--music does this to me--all of a sudden I notice the song he was trying to figure out... it was "I am a Child of God". I smiled as I prayed and no longer wanted to keep him from waking up his family. After this aunt was very impressed with the whole song of I am a Child of God, he played hot cross buns. :) As I left my room to head for work, I was impressed that he was in the living room and when he spoke to me he was whispering...(that is another miracle as he doesn't whisper in the morning very much, but I could tell he was "trying" to be quite and not wake up his siblings, which just might have been a first-EVER!!) :D
   Thanks Iron Man for adding happiness to my morning!
   As I drove into work, I started to sing There is Sunshine in my Soul. I chuckled a bit as I entered the freeway noticing the pretty drab morning. Cold, no visible sign of mountains let alone any sunlight.

 As I sang:

There is sunshine in my soul today,
More glorious and bright
Than glows in any earthly sky,
For Jesus is my light.
Oh, there's sunshine, blessed sunshine
When the peaceful happy moments roll.
When Jesus shows his smiling face,
There is sunshine in the soul.

   I smiled at the application of being surrounded by NO light, literally, yet I know who IS my light. And His light is peaceful and happy.... There is sunshine in my soul. And whenever I choose to focus on Him--there always is sunshine.
   I re-arranged Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam "adult" version and added a verse:

"Dark clouds may threaten--
to destroy my peace,
But if you will look inside,
you will find in me..."

A sunbeam, a sunbeam, Jesus wants me to be.
A sunbeam, a sunbeam, I will be a sunbeam for Him.

   So my morning goes! It has been a challenging month with a big, new project at work. I am constantly overwhelmed with gratitude and God's goodness in the choice revelation He offers me and my co-workers. Most of my projects I cannot do on my own and it takes coordinating many efforts and hands. I am literally dependent on the work/ideas/inspiration of others to get most, of all my projects done/accomplished...that is very humbling needing to be dependent and trusting of so many others skills, time and efforts... but oh how I see God's hands!
   A few weeks back I was pondering and praying about how to make a display work. And in the early morning to my mind came an idea and how the project could work. It was not like Russel M. Nelsons heart stint inspiration--but in my job, it felt like the answer was a "parting of the veil" idea. I discussed this idea with Jeff, and he ran with it. **Which I was so grateful he was open to listening too and trying the idea. IT WORKED! And of course it did, if God inspired it, why wouldn't it ?? but I am still in aw with God's brilliance, even to my little projects. Not in aw that He knows what to do--that is a given, but that He is so willing to help and inspire, guide and lead processes (not world changing, just job sustaining) if asked.
   As I started this project and moved the ball forward, I was wishy washy and knowing that we were taking the project like it has never been done before (just going against a lot of different grains) Patti (inspired) made the comment that she trusted me for she was sure I had prayed over it. WELL- the fact is I hadn't even thought to pray about whether we were going the right direction! I was humbled by her comment and stepped into the bathroom to pray. Felt peace, move forward. That was the first bit of peace I had had with the whole project. Needed that reminder.
   And then yesterday as all the pieces were to come together for the project ships out tomorrow, Marin made the statement of where was my confidence? I was being wishy washy again of how it was all going to come together. She was inspired to question me, but what she was really doing, was reminding me.
   Christ said, "Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?"- D&C 6:23
   I was humbled by Marin's statement. Why was I wavering, when I already had had a confirmation from God a few weeks ago?!
   Yesterday as I needed to have some "unknowns" come together, Anna, (one of our awesome Designers at work) with inspiration, made a huge part easily come together. It was a bit of a problem and with in moments she had a brilliant fix. And it was an easy one too when we were set out to do this BIG fix, Anna and Cynthia were inspired with a simple fix! And Cynthia, was the answer to prayer as well as she put all the pieces together on the tables (I have no "girl" in me for arranging things on tables) but Cynthia, the master, patient organizer/arranger made it look stunning.... it was just a humbling day to see the hand of the Lord--for this project. I told Anna as soon as we pack up tonight I will be hitting the 7 am session tomorrow at the temple and will just be crying a lot. She told me not to cry--but it is a good cry. Every time God helps me through/gets me through a big project, AND HE ALWAYS DOES, I seem to have a let down of tears and gratitude afterwards in the temple.
   My heart is full.
There is Sunshine in THIS soul!

Happiness is I am a Child of God--played by a 7 year old on a recorder.

I am grateful for Mission Presidents who come and speak at Sat night Stake Conferences.

I am grateful for the reminder of REMEMBERING the Lord's peace that came-- and in that peace is where my confidence must/needs/should/will/wants/can abide.

Happiness is choice co-workers, who God uses to answer many, many personal prayers!

14 DAYS OF LOVE!

I LOVE Valentines! Seriously, one of my favorite holidays! Mandi was doing 14 days of why she loves her Husband, and so I wanted to do the challenge too, just "tweaked" it a bit to fit my "love" needs! ;)

Happiness is a productive day that actually FELT productive.

I am grateful for clear, quiet mornings, with winter mountains, blue sky and just my thoughts.

I AM

I know it's not spring--but can you notice what all these pictures have in common? and beside the obvious tulips... what is it about these tulips? 

Notice the LIGHT!  (It almost looks as if there is a light bulb inside each tulip.)

You can't see through them but you can see light through them...!  

 I have an insecurity that creeps it's ugly little head from time to time. Seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. Obviously by it's occurrence, it is something I have not overcome yet. The insecurity or rather the temptation to not be who I know I should be and deep down inside want to me. 

...I share, on a very, very personal side, my journal from tonight with you. It may not make sense to anyone, and is deeply personal, but sometimes we are suppose to "let" our light that we would normally keep very private, "shine" [be shared]. I share my journal not to say "look at me" but rather what Christ, the Gospel, and Heavenly Father are TO me. 

1.27.12

I just finished reading out of 2 Nephi 15 with Ridges book. So good! It talks a lot about the last days and Isaiah saw the wicked and the righteous, it was just amazing. It was good and with my lack of time, I have had to go through the chapter for 2 days. But so good!
       Tonight, as I read what the wicked were doing, over and over in my mind I found myself asking, "Lord, is it I?". And my eyes filled with tears in not wanting to be like that. Great fear and destruction is waiting those who will not have God for their god. And although much is coming, and Brother Ridges points out that Isaiah/God want us to know WHY he is doing things so that we can use our agency wisely... but as I read the temptation to have terror and fear for the last days came upon me, but then the remembering the sweet words of if we are prepared we shall not fear. I don't want to fear, nor do I need to fear. I am grateful for the gospel in my life. How I love it. How I need it. How I long to be who God wants me to be. I feel strengthened and uplifted by his hands. I yearn to learn about him and like Uncle Dave says, lay hold on all of his dealings with the children of men. Me too. I have a long ways to go, but I do see his hand. And I praise his name! I love him!  I love Jesus Christ and I long to be like him. I long to have as Penny Hughes on accident typed that it was going to be a "god year" instead of good year... I do want it to be not just a God year, but a God day, week, moment. I want Christ to be the motivation and the reason behind my heart and the things that I do. I want to see as I am seen by Heavenly Father. I want to lift burdens  and strengthen those who are weak. I want to lose my life to him, for it is not even my life to lose, for I am bought with a price. But rather I rather take His life/way of life up as my own. I am so tempted to think that my way is better, or that what I want or desire trumps. Christ went about healing folks one by one and spending his time with those that most needed him. I NEED him and how I want to be his hands for those who NEED him. We all need him.
         I am not yet a mother, and I often ponder how mothers do all that they do. Truly selfless beings that adapt and keep the temperature warm, the smiles coming. Like Karisa said, MOM = “Manager of Miracles”. How to keep a home, love the children, still serve and be about God's work with my children. I have a desire to instill in them love and faith in Jesus Christ. A desire to give of themselves freely. To be humble followers. To not just be hearers of the word but doers. What a role given to mothers. My own mother who lifts and serves, blesses others through her faith and cheer. My sisters and sister in laws who day in and day out give of their heart and soul.  I know there must be balance and I dread slackening on my commitment to God and pray that even while being a mother I can be secure and ever improving in my relationship/relying on my God. IT is an area of my life I do not want to give up on or slacken in. I must find a way to keep the balance of having time with God even in the mist of all the pressures and wonderful strains of being a mother and raising a family. But my relationship with Heavenly Father--I plead that I might not slacken. That I can be all he wants me to be and give and do, while still getting/taking time to commune with him and read his word. All done in wisdom of course, but I see the demands on a mother and a wife. And I notice the demands and I am only a viewer from the outside for I have not been a mother yet. Oh I have the desire to love and not judge. To lift to cherish. I have a desire to be at home and serving in the kingdom. I say that now but I see how heavy some mothers have become. How does one keep the joy? How does one make sure she stays bathed in help as Sister Beck says, even in turbulent times? I don't know the answer, but I know that it stems and has to do with keeping Christ in my day every day. Keeping Him in my center. How to do this as a mother... I must find a way. I want to be a mother for Christ and this gospel. I want to be a wife that will adorn herself for her husband.
     ...
         Random journal, but my soul is full and stirs with Wonder.  I love my God. I love my Savior. How I yearn to be like them. How I yearn to bring anyone to them that would come.  I live and want to live my life for them.

 I studied in John tonight, and was yet reminded again that the desires I have, although don't match with a world outlook, are truly the desires of my heart. I am to "let my light so shine". I am not sure why I try so hard to hide it at times, or rather to not be seen as "churchy" ... but truth be told, this is who I am. 

And WHO am I? I am Bryndi K Cloward. I AM a daughter of God. I have Heavenly parents who love me, who's Godly traits are embryos inside me waiting to be 1.) discovered and 2.) developed & shared. I am a keeper of the Cloward and Babbel names. My parents and ancestors' blood runs through me and I will be true to the divine in them and me. I am a holder of my tongue. The Savior suffered long and I will learn to birth (as dad says) that embryo--to nurture it. I believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men...I believe all things, I hope all things, I have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, I seek after these things (13th Article of Faith).  I am not perfect. I am perfectly flawed. Through Christ my weaknesses can be made strengths. I will be, in the form God allows me to be, a mother and a wife that keeps Christ at her center. I am a barer of light. HIS light and I will let His light shine through me. I am Bryndi K Cloward. I am a hard worker, I am full of integrity and I see the "God" in those around me. I am a keeper of mens hearts. I am a giver of love, and a seeker of obtaining and giving unconditional love. I take joy and become bliss filled as I see/recognize His hand not only in my life but His hand in the lives of others. I am Bryndi K Cloward. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints--my own choice and blessed choice it is!! I am For Jesus Christ and am a builder in His kingdom. I know HE LIVES. 

I am Bryndi K. Cloward-- and I will let His Light, so shine, through me.

This is who I am/strive to be. And no matter what, Heavenly Father and His will come first... I will go. I will do, for I KNOW who I am.

I am Bryndi K Cloward. I am a child of God.