DEDICATED TO ALL THE WOMEN WHO HAVE TOUCHED MY LIFE

This is dedicated to all the wonderful women in my life. Girlfriends, co-workers, sisters by blood, and sisters by sealings (which I now count as blood!), nieces, aunts and cousins, my mom, and choice adopted grandmas... Thank you for being the beauitful part of MY world. Thank you for standing for truth and righteousness. Thank you for trusting in God. Thank you for loving others. Thank you for choosing faith even when it would be so much easier to choose to live life with/in fear. Thank you for setting mighty personal examples of how I can better live my life.

(To my choice deaf friends. Please forgive my "screaming" e. Bad habit not yet broken! : /  -  :D)

Right in the opening session of General Conference I was moved by a story President Packer shared:

I was stationed in Osaka, Japan, when World War II closed. The city was rubble, and the streets were littered with blocks, debris, and bomb craters. Although most of the trees had been blasted away, some few of them still stood with shattered limbs and trunks and had the courage to send forth a few twigs with leaves.

A tiny girl dressed in a ragged, colored kimono was busily gathering yellow sycamore leaves into a bouquet. The little child seemed unaware of the devastation that surrounded her as she scrambled over the rubble to add new leaves to her collection. She had found the one beauty left in her world. Perhaps I should say she was the beautiful part of her world. Somehow, to think of her increases my faith. Embodied in the child was hope.

"[She] seemed unaware of the devastation that surrounded her...She...found the...beauty
...she was the beautiful part of her world."

Seriously, those words move me, and throughout the last two weeks since the address was given, I have thought of them often.

Daughters of God are meant to not only see the beauty, but to be the beauty by standing for truth and righteousness and our Heavenly Father will help us to do so.

We know, because we have been taught through the scriptures and living prophets, that hard times are not only here but will continue to come.

When we find devastation surrounding us in any form, be it physical, emotional, mental and/or spiritual. Be it with our own self or of those we love and/or around us... May WE FIND the beauty.  May we BE the beautiful part, of the world. Beautiful in attitude, in trust, in faith, in prayer. Beautiful in temple worthiness and worship, in charity, in hope, in love. Beautiful in kindness, in forgiveness, in compassion, in service. Beautiful in selflessness, in joy, in humility...

My heart is swollen. I take this as a personal commission from the Lord. And with deep gratitude I thank God for the women he has placed in my life who have/are teaching me about what it means to see and be His beauitful.

I AM

I know it's not spring--but can you notice what all these pictures have in common? and beside the obvious tulips... what is it about these tulips? 

Notice the LIGHT!  (It almost looks as if there is a light bulb inside each tulip.)

You can't see through them but you can see light through them...!  

 I have an insecurity that creeps it's ugly little head from time to time. Seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. Obviously by it's occurrence, it is something I have not overcome yet. The insecurity or rather the temptation to not be who I know I should be and deep down inside want to me. 

...I share, on a very, very personal side, my journal from tonight with you. It may not make sense to anyone, and is deeply personal, but sometimes we are suppose to "let" our light that we would normally keep very private, "shine" [be shared]. I share my journal not to say "look at me" but rather what Christ, the Gospel, and Heavenly Father are TO me. 

1.27.12

I just finished reading out of 2 Nephi 15 with Ridges book. So good! It talks a lot about the last days and Isaiah saw the wicked and the righteous, it was just amazing. It was good and with my lack of time, I have had to go through the chapter for 2 days. But so good!
       Tonight, as I read what the wicked were doing, over and over in my mind I found myself asking, "Lord, is it I?". And my eyes filled with tears in not wanting to be like that. Great fear and destruction is waiting those who will not have God for their god. And although much is coming, and Brother Ridges points out that Isaiah/God want us to know WHY he is doing things so that we can use our agency wisely... but as I read the temptation to have terror and fear for the last days came upon me, but then the remembering the sweet words of if we are prepared we shall not fear. I don't want to fear, nor do I need to fear. I am grateful for the gospel in my life. How I love it. How I need it. How I long to be who God wants me to be. I feel strengthened and uplifted by his hands. I yearn to learn about him and like Uncle Dave says, lay hold on all of his dealings with the children of men. Me too. I have a long ways to go, but I do see his hand. And I praise his name! I love him!  I love Jesus Christ and I long to be like him. I long to have as Penny Hughes on accident typed that it was going to be a "god year" instead of good year... I do want it to be not just a God year, but a God day, week, moment. I want Christ to be the motivation and the reason behind my heart and the things that I do. I want to see as I am seen by Heavenly Father. I want to lift burdens  and strengthen those who are weak. I want to lose my life to him, for it is not even my life to lose, for I am bought with a price. But rather I rather take His life/way of life up as my own. I am so tempted to think that my way is better, or that what I want or desire trumps. Christ went about healing folks one by one and spending his time with those that most needed him. I NEED him and how I want to be his hands for those who NEED him. We all need him.
         I am not yet a mother, and I often ponder how mothers do all that they do. Truly selfless beings that adapt and keep the temperature warm, the smiles coming. Like Karisa said, MOM = “Manager of Miracles”. How to keep a home, love the children, still serve and be about God's work with my children. I have a desire to instill in them love and faith in Jesus Christ. A desire to give of themselves freely. To be humble followers. To not just be hearers of the word but doers. What a role given to mothers. My own mother who lifts and serves, blesses others through her faith and cheer. My sisters and sister in laws who day in and day out give of their heart and soul.  I know there must be balance and I dread slackening on my commitment to God and pray that even while being a mother I can be secure and ever improving in my relationship/relying on my God. IT is an area of my life I do not want to give up on or slacken in. I must find a way to keep the balance of having time with God even in the mist of all the pressures and wonderful strains of being a mother and raising a family. But my relationship with Heavenly Father--I plead that I might not slacken. That I can be all he wants me to be and give and do, while still getting/taking time to commune with him and read his word. All done in wisdom of course, but I see the demands on a mother and a wife. And I notice the demands and I am only a viewer from the outside for I have not been a mother yet. Oh I have the desire to love and not judge. To lift to cherish. I have a desire to be at home and serving in the kingdom. I say that now but I see how heavy some mothers have become. How does one keep the joy? How does one make sure she stays bathed in help as Sister Beck says, even in turbulent times? I don't know the answer, but I know that it stems and has to do with keeping Christ in my day every day. Keeping Him in my center. How to do this as a mother... I must find a way. I want to be a mother for Christ and this gospel. I want to be a wife that will adorn herself for her husband.
     ...
         Random journal, but my soul is full and stirs with Wonder.  I love my God. I love my Savior. How I yearn to be like them. How I yearn to bring anyone to them that would come.  I live and want to live my life for them.

 I studied in John tonight, and was yet reminded again that the desires I have, although don't match with a world outlook, are truly the desires of my heart. I am to "let my light so shine". I am not sure why I try so hard to hide it at times, or rather to not be seen as "churchy" ... but truth be told, this is who I am. 

And WHO am I? I am Bryndi K Cloward. I AM a daughter of God. I have Heavenly parents who love me, who's Godly traits are embryos inside me waiting to be 1.) discovered and 2.) developed & shared. I am a keeper of the Cloward and Babbel names. My parents and ancestors' blood runs through me and I will be true to the divine in them and me. I am a holder of my tongue. The Savior suffered long and I will learn to birth (as dad says) that embryo--to nurture it. I believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men...I believe all things, I hope all things, I have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, I seek after these things (13th Article of Faith).  I am not perfect. I am perfectly flawed. Through Christ my weaknesses can be made strengths. I will be, in the form God allows me to be, a mother and a wife that keeps Christ at her center. I am a barer of light. HIS light and I will let His light shine through me. I am Bryndi K Cloward. I am a hard worker, I am full of integrity and I see the "God" in those around me. I am a keeper of mens hearts. I am a giver of love, and a seeker of obtaining and giving unconditional love. I take joy and become bliss filled as I see/recognize His hand not only in my life but His hand in the lives of others. I am Bryndi K Cloward. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints--my own choice and blessed choice it is!! I am For Jesus Christ and am a builder in His kingdom. I know HE LIVES. 

I am Bryndi K. Cloward-- and I will let His Light, so shine, through me.

This is who I am/strive to be. And no matter what, Heavenly Father and His will come first... I will go. I will do, for I KNOW who I am.

I am Bryndi K Cloward. I am a child of God.

WHAT IF JESUS SAT IN THE FRONT ROW

There is much to write about, but I will try to keep it brief -- ! :)

We had a RS retreat up at my folks place and in the morning we went out and had a devotional upon the rocks. It was amazing, and I will share why the title of this blog is what it is in a moment.

The presidency gave us little journals and asked us to go take some time to ponder and pray -- and to ask God what our worth is/what he thinks of us.

I walked off some distance, wanting to be more alone so I could pray out loud. I know there is no rule on praying out loud, but for whatever reason it sure helps me focus. I did what was asked and the words that I felt were "Daughter of God". I thought that was interesting. I already know I am a daughter of God---I wrote down the following in my journal that morning,

"I can become like Him and who He is--is in me. I am made up of Him. I am His daughter."

Forgive me for being a little more personal with this post. This is not what I had planned to do with my evening.

The wind was blowing, the awesome big black ants were crawling (yes on me) and I could hear the birds chirping. I climbed off my rock and headed back to the cabin. I still was pondering over "daughter of God". What did God want me to know about that?

As I walked through the sage brush, I noticed two white flowers. Beautiful in contrast to the dusty brush and dry clay ground. There were several hundred little blue flowers and splashes of little yellow flowers, but these two nickle size white flowers were the only ones of their kind. I have roamed that mountain hill for years now, and they were new. I felt that God was telling me that "being" a daughter of God was like those two flowers. I picked one (I know, gasp all you who love the environment--I love it too, but I had to pick one! :) Too symbolic not to.)

I drove home from an inspired activity, still with the thought of "daughter of God" heavy on my heart and head. As Kristi and I drove past a group of weeds I commented to her how the pioneers brought the "flower" as a decorative plant/and for bottling (I know this from a walk with dad... and yes he made me eat a weed to see how it tasted to the pioneers-thanks dad! ha ha) and now what they brought for beauty is one of the most overgrown/over takes anything in its path weed. I mentioned to Kristi that I need to be careful of the habits I am sowing right now that I think are good and worthy--but really for future generations to come are noxious weeds. Kristi in the middle of our conversation blurted out, "Bryndi, I just love that everything you look at ties to some principle." She said it in sincerity, but she could have never known that I had been struggling with some insecurities about that very trait. ANd here Kristi was thanking my brain for thinking that way. -- Needless to say her complement was a tender mercy from God.

Well later, maybe it was that day/week it is funny how I can't recall how it happened, but I heard the words from Julie B. Becks conference talk,

"There has grown in me an overwhelming testimony of the value of daughters of God. So much depends on them."

God was talking to me!

It is one thing to have the title of "daughter of God" because we all are that--we are literally His spirit children entrusted to mortal parents. But the status of "being" a daughter of God-- so so much more. On the rocks, God was wanting me to know and whispering what I could be.
A just studied about the difference between a son of man and a son of God. What is the difference? Moroni 7:47-48 There are so many good things in the whole chapter, but those last few verses are intense. I want to be (current condition)a daughter of God.

Sister Murray shared this incredible experience with visiting teaching at the Relief Society retreat.


She said that she was to visit teach a particular sister that would not let she or her companion come into the house because the sister didn't want them to know that she had smoking issues. Sister Murray and her companion would visit this sweet sister on the porch or take her out for french fries. I am not sure what the sister's name is, but for the sake of this post, I will call her Ann.

Ann, was a musician--singer and writer of her own music. Sister Murray and her companion decided one night that they would go to this place where Ann would be preforming a few of her numbers. (It was an event where lots of different composers could share their compositions.)

Sister Murray sat on the front row. And through the night Ann would come out and sit with them. A few different times, Sister Murray could smell the alcohol on her Ann's breath. When Ann came out, she sang her composition. It was on Hell and Vampires.

The next time Sister Murray and her companion went over to visit Ann, Ann told them that she had written the two of them a song. She said that she had been so touched by them coming to see her preform. She then sang for them her song, "What if Jesus sat in the front row". Sister Murray and her companion where completely over come that Ann would compare them with Christ. But Ann said that she was so touched that they would come--and there she was singing about hell and vampires. She said from that day forward she would never write another dark song. And she completely changed her life style--to a more pure and holy one.

What if Jesus sat in the front row... I can't wait to hear the song! I cried when I heard the story and shared it later that morning with Dad. His eyes were wet too.

Will I "sit" for Jesus? Will I go where he would have me go. Will I be a daughter of God--pleading and cleaving to charity? Let Charity govern my thoughts and actions in private (my mind, my heart) and in public? Something to strive for, for sure.

Well, to finish this post, I need to share just bullets of the last few days.

*Sam got back! Even though he was exhausted he could have not been any greater!! We went shooting (with the camera :)) at a little water front near his sister's house. We shot for over an hour! Okay, honestly, who can not love UTAH!!! Look at God's handy work!





Thanks for the shoot Sam!

 Now for all of those who know nature=camera freak for me, don't be thinking "poor Sam, had to get drug into one of Bryndi's picture sprees..!" As you can tell... Sam was quite enjoying himself too! :)

*I received a call from Davey during work yesterday--it went something like this,
Bryndi: Hi Davey, you okay? I usually don't answer my phone at work but thought to.
Davey: I was hoping you would. Question, would you mind giving a talk at my baptism?
Bryndi: (Silent scream) Yes, sure, what on?
Davey: Baptism
Bryndi: Davey what are you doing?
Davey: I am at work, it is slow and I am kind of bored. I am just putting together my program.

I ended the conversation and had a good cry on my knees in gratitude. Davey is a son of God. He has changed his whole life around, and you can't but help feel his love for God. I had to thank God for letting me be around such choice people. Davey's desire to do the right thing, caused me to look at my own life and analyze the areas that I have awesome flaws in. I want to be better because of how Davey is.

*Text from David in which he shared with me some scriptures that God had led him to read. I am still not sure what brought him to read those scriptures, but seeing God support David in his deep time of need, was overwhelming, it was beautiful. God is good!

*Set up a temple trip this morning with some friends. I missed the session and my friends, but found myself being assisted by my mom before going into the celestial room. That was tender. (Just as sacred as the time I got to preform part of the inititory ordiance with Nyk.) Then seeing an old bishop at the front desk as I was leaving and to top it off, Kayla Rainy (back when I taught yw's in the deaf ward) was waiting to get names to go do baptisms with all my old girls in Manti. I have not seen Kayla in almost a year. And to see her, IN THE TEMPLE, could there not be a sweeter gift than this?!

*Then an inspired scripture sent via email
"2 Ne 3:19, "And it shall be as if the fruit of thy loins had cried unto them from the dust; for I know their faith." Bryndi, God knows us perfectly, and I love this scripture because it is a testimony that he has sent us at this time because he knows our faith, even before we were sent to the earth. I learned from this scripture that this is a way heavenly Father knows the future, because he knows us perfectly so he knows our faith to do works."

God knows who I am and what I need.

I want to BE His daughter. I want to be sitting in someone's front row when the need arises.

Moroni 7:48 -- I want to "...be like him".

To quote Sam, "Wonderful Day!"

STANDING STILL

Meet Lee and Gerry Shepherd--My adopted grandparents!
For the 4th of July weekend we happened to run into each other at the Scofield fair. It is always quite emotional for me to be around these wonderful, faithful folks, for they mean so much to me.

Gerry has been fighting Thyroid and Lymphoma Cancer for some time now. Food has not been her best friend lately.

Thursday I felt impressed that I needed to go to their house the next day. So strong was the impression that I planned my whole morning around the visit.

As I drove to their house, I noticed that Lee's car was gone. As I went and knocked on the door, I was a little quizzical as to why the Lord would send me to an empty house...but I have a testimony of spending a whole night driving around to see different girls (following promptings as to what house to go to) none of which were home--just so that someone in the stake would drive by at the exact time I was getting in my car from the last empty house visit. She call me up because she saw me going to my car and a needed conversation was given in depth for 20 mins. Why all the empty home visits with promptings? Just for the one Stake gal who needed a friend. God does care about the one!

Gerry finally came to the side door. She didn't open the door but just started signing to me. She had medical gloves on her hands.

I stood on my tippy toes and pressed my face against the top of the glass to make out what she was trying to tell me:.

I was not to come in. She was to be in her house by herself for over a week to try and get her body to respond/become more healthy. I could feel her frustration and sorrow as I watched her sign.

I felt helpless. I couldn't give her a hug, I couldn't wipe away her tears. All I could do was sign through the glass and press an "I Love You" hand to the window.

What a brave, strong woman of God.

I walked back to my car as my cheeks glistening in the sun. I knew only the Savior knew of her loneliness and her struggle to fight the cancer, her fears for the future, and her faith for the present. I know that although her husband and daughter had to leave her house and she was physically alone--I know she was not "alone". I pulled away weeping while I prayed aloud...

What a strength to me! Endurance and long suffering in all things. Thanks Grandma Shepherd for the example you have set up. I know you love God. I know He loves you!

GRATITUDE

These last few days have been a whirl win of emotions. Seemed like Satan was out for blood.

Sunday, I felt I had every reason in the world to pray and plead for help but during church, Yazmin reminded everyone that we need to be filled with gratitude. I had the distinct impression while sitting in sacrament that for the rest of the day I was only to speak gratitude in my prayers. A few situations came up that I was floored with what to do and my natural reaction is to pray for help--but I was reminded again by the spirit that I was only to pray words of gratitude and thanks.

It was a very interesting, but extremely rewarding day of prayer. At times I felt frustrated and like a ship without a rudder, however the Lord did not forsake me! He taught me some important lessons, for which I am grateful for. Sometimes we are to just count our many blessings- naming them one by one- and then we ARE surprised by what the Lord done.

How is it possible for me to forget all the Lord has done?! For he spoils me every day. And yet in the middle of my beautiful garden, I sometimes only focus not on all the flowers and wonderful fruit trees, but rather the mosquitoes and black biting ants. When I focus on those "little" guys, I miss all the amazing things that make up the whole garden!

Count your many blessings was my theme song for Sunday, and it helped me get through some very trying moments.

TEMPLE

Today brought the temple! I haven't gone to the 5:40 AM session in a long time. Usually I make the 6 AM session, but the 20 mins earlier seems to be a natural killer at times! :) But this morning I went, and the place was packed. I was filled with love and admiration for those who seemed so perky and happy to be in the temple that early.

I was able to spend 15 mins alone in the celestial room. Oh how I want my house to be like His house!

VISITING TEACHING

Tonight I went VTing and was touched by my wonderful companion Katie. The lesson was on Temples and having the girls prepare to go to them. Katie found a book from Dessert Book for each of the girls to help them prepare for the temple. She was so excited to give them the book. I watched as her eyes twinkled and she lit up like a Christmas tree as she gave them out.

Oh it was a beautiful thing to see people do the things they are good at. Serving, listening, giving, hugging, talking, singing--whatever their element is that they like to use to share with/bless others--it is a beautiful thing to watch!

STOP, AND STAND STILL

Tonight I finished D&C 5 at the church. Four times it talks about being humble. There are great blessings for being humble and some pretty harsh consequences when we are not. That was for me. And even more, verse 34 seemed to leap into my heart and in a quite way, that only the spirit can do, I felt the words of the verse were written just for me.
God spoke to my heart: Stop worrying, stop stressing and stand still Bryn. I will prepare away for things I have promised you.

I apologized for how I had been and begged for help to be better and to some how get past all the feelings I had been feeling....and for the first time in 4 days, I was filled with great peace. I was filled with a resolve to trust Him more fully and to not worry. He IS in control and that is okay.

So for this random post that I totally broke my bed curfew to type :)--know that I am a counter of my blessings! One by one and am/do ENJOY all the things God has done! I am confident in/with the Gardner of my garden, and I have full faith in His plans to help me grow and become as beautiful inside and out as I promised Him I would be. I have STOPPED my worrying and am standing still.

Daughter of God--in the making.