I AM

I know it's not spring--but can you notice what all these pictures have in common? and beside the obvious tulips... what is it about these tulips? 

Notice the LIGHT!  (It almost looks as if there is a light bulb inside each tulip.)

You can't see through them but you can see light through them...!  

 I have an insecurity that creeps it's ugly little head from time to time. Seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. Obviously by it's occurrence, it is something I have not overcome yet. The insecurity or rather the temptation to not be who I know I should be and deep down inside want to me. 

...I share, on a very, very personal side, my journal from tonight with you. It may not make sense to anyone, and is deeply personal, but sometimes we are suppose to "let" our light that we would normally keep very private, "shine" [be shared]. I share my journal not to say "look at me" but rather what Christ, the Gospel, and Heavenly Father are TO me. 

1.27.12

I just finished reading out of 2 Nephi 15 with Ridges book. So good! It talks a lot about the last days and Isaiah saw the wicked and the righteous, it was just amazing. It was good and with my lack of time, I have had to go through the chapter for 2 days. But so good!
       Tonight, as I read what the wicked were doing, over and over in my mind I found myself asking, "Lord, is it I?". And my eyes filled with tears in not wanting to be like that. Great fear and destruction is waiting those who will not have God for their god. And although much is coming, and Brother Ridges points out that Isaiah/God want us to know WHY he is doing things so that we can use our agency wisely... but as I read the temptation to have terror and fear for the last days came upon me, but then the remembering the sweet words of if we are prepared we shall not fear. I don't want to fear, nor do I need to fear. I am grateful for the gospel in my life. How I love it. How I need it. How I long to be who God wants me to be. I feel strengthened and uplifted by his hands. I yearn to learn about him and like Uncle Dave says, lay hold on all of his dealings with the children of men. Me too. I have a long ways to go, but I do see his hand. And I praise his name! I love him!  I love Jesus Christ and I long to be like him. I long to have as Penny Hughes on accident typed that it was going to be a "god year" instead of good year... I do want it to be not just a God year, but a God day, week, moment. I want Christ to be the motivation and the reason behind my heart and the things that I do. I want to see as I am seen by Heavenly Father. I want to lift burdens  and strengthen those who are weak. I want to lose my life to him, for it is not even my life to lose, for I am bought with a price. But rather I rather take His life/way of life up as my own. I am so tempted to think that my way is better, or that what I want or desire trumps. Christ went about healing folks one by one and spending his time with those that most needed him. I NEED him and how I want to be his hands for those who NEED him. We all need him.
         I am not yet a mother, and I often ponder how mothers do all that they do. Truly selfless beings that adapt and keep the temperature warm, the smiles coming. Like Karisa said, MOM = “Manager of Miracles”. How to keep a home, love the children, still serve and be about God's work with my children. I have a desire to instill in them love and faith in Jesus Christ. A desire to give of themselves freely. To be humble followers. To not just be hearers of the word but doers. What a role given to mothers. My own mother who lifts and serves, blesses others through her faith and cheer. My sisters and sister in laws who day in and day out give of their heart and soul.  I know there must be balance and I dread slackening on my commitment to God and pray that even while being a mother I can be secure and ever improving in my relationship/relying on my God. IT is an area of my life I do not want to give up on or slacken in. I must find a way to keep the balance of having time with God even in the mist of all the pressures and wonderful strains of being a mother and raising a family. But my relationship with Heavenly Father--I plead that I might not slacken. That I can be all he wants me to be and give and do, while still getting/taking time to commune with him and read his word. All done in wisdom of course, but I see the demands on a mother and a wife. And I notice the demands and I am only a viewer from the outside for I have not been a mother yet. Oh I have the desire to love and not judge. To lift to cherish. I have a desire to be at home and serving in the kingdom. I say that now but I see how heavy some mothers have become. How does one keep the joy? How does one make sure she stays bathed in help as Sister Beck says, even in turbulent times? I don't know the answer, but I know that it stems and has to do with keeping Christ in my day every day. Keeping Him in my center. How to do this as a mother... I must find a way. I want to be a mother for Christ and this gospel. I want to be a wife that will adorn herself for her husband.
     ...
         Random journal, but my soul is full and stirs with Wonder.  I love my God. I love my Savior. How I yearn to be like them. How I yearn to bring anyone to them that would come.  I live and want to live my life for them.

 I studied in John tonight, and was yet reminded again that the desires I have, although don't match with a world outlook, are truly the desires of my heart. I am to "let my light so shine". I am not sure why I try so hard to hide it at times, or rather to not be seen as "churchy" ... but truth be told, this is who I am. 

And WHO am I? I am Bryndi K Cloward. I AM a daughter of God. I have Heavenly parents who love me, who's Godly traits are embryos inside me waiting to be 1.) discovered and 2.) developed & shared. I am a keeper of the Cloward and Babbel names. My parents and ancestors' blood runs through me and I will be true to the divine in them and me. I am a holder of my tongue. The Savior suffered long and I will learn to birth (as dad says) that embryo--to nurture it. I believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men...I believe all things, I hope all things, I have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, I seek after these things (13th Article of Faith).  I am not perfect. I am perfectly flawed. Through Christ my weaknesses can be made strengths. I will be, in the form God allows me to be, a mother and a wife that keeps Christ at her center. I am a barer of light. HIS light and I will let His light shine through me. I am Bryndi K Cloward. I am a hard worker, I am full of integrity and I see the "God" in those around me. I am a keeper of mens hearts. I am a giver of love, and a seeker of obtaining and giving unconditional love. I take joy and become bliss filled as I see/recognize His hand not only in my life but His hand in the lives of others. I am Bryndi K Cloward. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints--my own choice and blessed choice it is!! I am For Jesus Christ and am a builder in His kingdom. I know HE LIVES. 

I am Bryndi K. Cloward-- and I will let His Light, so shine, through me.

This is who I am/strive to be. And no matter what, Heavenly Father and His will come first... I will go. I will do, for I KNOW who I am.

I am Bryndi K Cloward. I am a child of God.

POP QUIZ!

What is the greatest temple that has ever been built?

This was the question asked by the pretty new Stake President Sunday evening. President Clare and his wife (I have no idea if the last name is spelled right) were invited to come and speak to six singles wards... my ward was in charge of getting the speaker... THANK YOU BROTHER WALKER!  (I must say it was probably one of the top five firesides I have ever attended outside of CES firesides. Maybe coming up to the #1 I have ever attended!  It was that good!)

President Clare suggested that we had better be careful with which temple we selected because his mission covered Kirtland. :)  When he asked the question, I immediately thought of my OWN personal temple.  After a few quick suggestions of different temples, someone called out that "WE" were the greatest temples God has ever built.  President Clare had found the answer to his question!

The greatest temple ever built is...

(Here is Taybabe outside Manti this past summer. Love you TREEBS!)

I was studying Isaiah this week in 2 Nephi 12 and Isaiah 2. Last year I went through 2 Nephi with Isaiah for Airheads by John Bytheway. This year I decided to go through with David J. Ridges's Isaiah Made Easier.  (Very happy with this decision.)

Vs. 10 in 2 Nephi 12 states, "...the glory of his majesty shall smite thee."  Brother Ridges comment with that verse is, "you will not be able to stand the brightness of his glory at the Second Coming and will thus be consumed; see D&C 5:19."  The GLORY of the Lord is what consumes the wicked.

Brother Ridges continued, "Some years ago, a student asked me how the temples would survive the burning at the Second Coming. Verses 10, 19, 21 plus D&C 5:19 provide a simple answer. Temples can stand the glory of the Lord. Therefore, they will not be burned."

As I read these words, all the thoughts from the fireside and the greatest temple ever built settled my mind. God's temples can withstand His glory!  And why not!  We are told that He does not dwell in unholy temples.  SOO if I can prepare my physical/spiritual temple, my body, to become holy--a place where He can dwell-- MY TEMPLE [body] will be able to with stand the glory of God = NOT BE BURNED AT HIS COMING because my temple will already be used to being full of light, HIS LIGHT, His glory!!!  Of course add in your fire insurance of paying tithing to the whole package too--but what another beautiful reason to make sure that my body becomes a temple where God can dwell!

And just as a treat... Krisi shared this GREAT talk with me on Grace (click here). It is so worth the read! Thank you for sharing Kristi! I LOVED IT!

"But wo..."

"... unto him...that wasteth the days of his probation, for awful is his state!" 

"O... turn away from your sins; shake off the chains of him that would bind you fast; come unto that God who is the rock of your salvation."

"Come... every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters..."

"...do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy... come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness."

"...remember the words of your God; pray unto him continually by day, and give thanks unto his holy name by night. Let your hearts rejoice."

My morning devotional was with Nephi's brother Jacob this morning. SOO good!

I personally love it when I am reminded to "let" myself do something...LET MYSELF REJOICE!! LET MY SOUL DELIGHT in feasting upon that which doesn't perish/or can't be corrupt = REJOICE in/because of CHRIST! My soul DELIGHTS in HIM!

BLESS GOD'S SHOES!

So this is a bit of a spoiler... sorry if you haven't gotten to this story in this month's Ensign (click here to view the Jan Ensign) but I read this story yesterday and was moved by it.  So much that it made it into my journal and I thought I should post it here.

Daddy’s Shoes
Priscilla Costa Xavier, São Paulo, Brazil

     Several years ago while my parents were helping the Relief Society organize some clothes, shoes, and other items to be donated to the needy, my father noticed a well-kept pair of shoes in the middle of a pile of items. At that moment he felt a strong impression to keep the shoes.
     My mother laughed and said, “This pair of shoes is three sizes too small for you. They wouldn’t even fit!”
     My father, however, strongly insisted. After several jokes from the sisters, they finally allowed him to keep the shoes.
     As soon as he arrived home, he cleaned them, filled them with newspaper, and placed them in a box on top of his dresser. We received instructions not to touch the box. For five years it remained in the same place.
     One day a new family moved into the house next door. They had two children and a six-month-old baby. My sister and I immediately became friends with their two girls, who were our age. We shared with our new friends what we were learning in church, and we invited them to Primary. They were excited and eager to learn more about what we had shared with them.
    After returning home from Primary, they didn’t stop talking about the Church with their parents. Our parents then invited the whole family to hear the missionary lessons and go to church. They joyfully accepted. They loved the lessons, and we were excited to attend church with them.
     But when Saturday came, their daughters seemed disheartened. When we asked what was wrong, they said their parents no longer wanted to go to church.
     We were disappointed and asked Daddy to talk with their parents. When he told them about the blessings of attending church, the father replied, “Yes, I know all of this. The problem is that I haven’t worn any other kind of shoe besides my sneakers in a long time, and I know that we should go to Church meetings well dressed.”
     At that moment my father looked at my mother. She knew exactly what to do. The shoes in the box on top of Daddy’s dresser fit our friends’ father perfectly, and the entire family went to church. It was a wonderful Sunday for them and for us. Soon they became members of the Church, and today they are a beautiful eternal family.
     I know that my father received direction from the Holy Ghost to keep those shoes. As a result, I always seek His guidance in looking for families ready to hear the gospel. I know He prepares families, and I know we need to look for them and bring them to Christ.

The whole concept of the story is amazing to me.   The dad felt to keep the shoes... was even teased for it.  He took them home and cleaned them and then put them up with the request that on one touch them...

I hope I would follow such an impression, and I believe that I would have.  HOWEVER at the end of a month, maybe two months, I would be tempted to think that I was a little crazy for keeping the shoes.  And sure at the end of the first year with spring cleaning and getting rid of items I no longer use... I would have picked up those shoes and shrugged my shoulders, told myself that it was interesting that I had had the prompting to follow but to what fruit (?) and then I would have given the shoes away.  But not THIS man!  For FIVE YEARS he held onto the shoes!  FIVE YEARS!!  And surely the end of the story makes the five years all the more beautiful and magnificent.

God knew that the family moving next store would have their girls start to go to church.  And God knew that man next door so well, that when the time came to come to church He knew the man would be embarrassed to go to church in sneakers, thus stopping the man from actually following through with his desire to go to church in the first place.  SOOO Heavenly Father prompted someone to keep a pair of shoes.  (And what steps in the man's life who kept the shoes had he gone through, to be able to recognize and then act on a prompting of the spirit?! That in itself must be an awesome journey.)  That faithful man for five years kept the shoes... until the unfolding of God's masterful plan!  And surely there are so many more details to God's plan.... I am only stating the ones that I can see.  (And we know, that man's wisdom is nothing compared to God's.)

God knows us perfectly.  He knows our past, present and future.  What projects/promptings has He started five, ten, twenty, one hundred years ago to bring about sweet "fruit" in my/our every day life?!

Our journey started LONG before coming into our mother's womb.  God's plan was set in motion with Christ as our Savior, and all of us who have ever come to earth, shouted for joy at the opportunity to come to earth. We were joyful at the idea of being able to become more like our Heavenly Father.  More like Him in the fact we would get a body by coming to earth and have opportunities to grow and progress.  We would make mistakes here on earth, repentance needed and a way to overcome sin... because we all sin.  And the only way to return to live with our Heavenly Father someday is to be clean, completely.  Our Heavenly Father knew this, so in His perfect and infinite wisdom He provided a Savior, His only begotten son in the flesh, Jesus Christ.  And Jesus Christ, being prepared, but still having the choice to not be the/OUR Savior, came and chose to be obedient to the Father's plan.  Jesus Christ suffered and died, and then triumphed over the grave just so you and I could have the opportunity TO choose to follow Heavenly Father while here in the mortal state of our existence.... talk about thousands + years (we don't know with God's counting of "time") that God placed all these things in motion just for us to be here on earth, now and experience the things we need. ... How many "pairs of shoes" does Heavenly Father have stored for us in the closet of life?!!!  In the closet of the eternities?!  And how long have some of those shoes [blessings] been waiting for the right, specific moment?!  Well getting married to an eternal companion, will SURELY be one of those SWEET pairs of shoes, that I would suspect God, at least on my end has been working saving/working on my whole life, and maybe it started with ancestors and traits and stories of faith passed on....

God's closet of shoes must be HUGE!  I have choice blessings that happen each day.  Some in a moment, and some blessings [shoes] that I can see were prepared way before I ever received them!

So why a snail for Joseph Smith's quote of "When the Lord commands, do it"?  I walked out of the Condo this past year and found this little guy creeping across my sidewalk.  (I have to give him credit, his shell was quite beautiful, although I was in NO hurry to pick him up and take him home.)  But this little snail seemed to have the longest journey to get across a walk way.  A cement path I deemed as pretty smooth concrete, however when getting that close to the snail I discovered, as you can see in the picture, how rough and rugged the cement really was.  And to a tiny snail, surely the openings in the cement could not feel amazing to slide across.  (Is that what a snail does anyway, slide?! :D) That little snail, when viewing life at "his" view, although I deemed and walked the same path many times and praised my "smooth" sidewalks... once in the sight of his path, I was able to see that his journey was quite rough and rugged. How choice when God allows us to view someone's journey from their own perspective.

Everyone, even snails, have battles they are facing!  The little snail didn't give up! (After staring at it for a few moments, I think I saw it move one 1mm!  I know I at least saw one of it's antenna things wiggle!  ;) )

A man held onto a pair of shoes, too small for him, for 5 years, not knowing why.  

We never know what pair of "shoes" HE [our Father in Heaven] is preparing for the exact moment someone will need the shoes on their feet.

Truly when the Lord commands, DO IT!
BLESS God's SHOES!!
And bless the person who is "storing" a pair of His shoes!

"We don't believe in prayer..."

So what a title to start this blog entry with!  I know right!?!  I felt the same way when I heard my Bishop make the comment in Ward Council yesterday.  He did pause after he said those words, but here is his whole inspired statement.  "We [as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints] don't believe in prayer, we believe in mighty prayer!" --Bishop Karl Lifferth  

What a statement! And what a true statement.  The impact of his words sunk deep into my heart.  Truly we are a people who not only have greater insight to prayer, and because of that insight--are believers/users of MIGHTY PRAYER!!  (Check the blog if you can't read the text below.)

Nevertheless the children of God were commanded that they should gather themselves together oft, and join in fasting and mighty prayer in behalf of the welfare of the souls of those who knew not God. --Alma 6:6

 

Who [Jesus Christ] will gather his people even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, even as many as will hearken to my voice and humble themselves before me, and call upon me in mighty prayer. --Jesus Christ

And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me. --Nephi

And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens. --Enos

 True statements... and if I am not exersizing the right and knowledge of "mighty" prayer--what things may I be missing out on and not just for myself but those who I love and have any kind of stewardship.  Thank you Bishop Lifferth!

Another awesome reminder I was given yesterday was a by a guy that just moved into my ward a month ago.  His name is Jason.  He stood up to bare his testimony and said, "If we are not applying the atonement of Jesus Christ in our life, then we are not progressing." What a dead on statement.  So true.

Yesterday was a beauitful day.  Filled with so many miracles.  A friend on my committee came out and we did some visits that I had felt to do.  I had only asked him at church (short notice) to come out with me but he was more than willing to go on the visits.  It was awesome to go into homes and see him chill and loving the individuals.  It was uplifting and edifying.

Yesterday as I closed my fast in gratitude for a lot of blessings, I felt impressed that I needed to stop by a friend's house before the CES fireside.  In "reasoning" with God I mentioned that this perticular guy had not been to church in months and other then hello's during the holiday I had not really talked to him, although I had tried many, many times.  I wondered if I should give the guy the heads up that I was coming to see him, but I litterally felt to just drive to his house and invite him to put on his shoes and come with me to the fireside.  The fireside started at 6 and about 6:05 I got to his house.  He had just gotten home from work.  I told him there was a fireside and I was there to pick him up and have him go.  He hesitated for a moment, but I told him to grab his shoes and we would go.  He went and changed out of his work clothes, fixed his hair (out of respect for not wanting to wear a baseball cap into the chapel), laced up his boats and we were out!  We only caught the last 20 mins or so of the fireside talk, but I sat amazed knowing he had actually gone with me.

I dropped him off at his place and after a few hours of conversation, he mentioned how crazy it was that I had come over.  He said that God must have read his mind.  I inquired to him what he meant.  And he told me that in overcomeing something in his life, he has kept himself to himself and not wanting to get out.  But that this day, he wanted to "get dressed up and go out".  Shortly after those thoughts I was at his door.  And it didn't matter if it was a fireside, he recognized that God was answering a prayer he didn't even know he said (or at least not officially).  I just smiled and told him it had nothing to do with me--but that God loved him and made a way for him to "get out".  In texting the EQ President last night, he mentioned that he had felt to go invite and pick up the guy to go to the fireside--but seeing he would be late decided not to.  I did not fill him in that God had back up plans!!  If Plan A didn't work, I have no idea what number of plan B, or C, I was---but this I know-- God LOVES his children.  He LOVES US! He hears our prayers, and surely our MIGHTY prayers.

My life has been a little messed up.  So focused on the business of my career, which has been needed at this season of the year, but I have become a little complacent and not "mighty" in praying and truthfully not mighty in a lot of things: faith, trust, hope... and there has been a separation of not evening allowing God to use my life in the service of others, because of my complacent. So yesterday was a sweet reminder how much I LOVE being for HIM!  Truly, I don't want my life to be my own.  If there are lives to lift, to bless, to encourage, to cheer, to brighten, to listen, to smile and hug, I pray that if God needs a runner for any such tasks, I can live in such a way that He might request/prompt me.  I truly want to LIVE for HIM.

And in sharing this last bit--I speak nothing of myself.  For in me there are so many awesomely beautiful flaws.  Awesomely beautiful because they are reminders that I need to keep striving to becoming like God and relying on/keep seeking Him. Without him, I am truly nothing (as to my own strength, I am weak.) But WITH HIM I can be all he wants me to be!  And I have access to His help and assistance as I journey here below.

My cup is full.

I don't believe in prayer, I BELIEVE IN MIGHTY PRAYER!!  Oh to ever be applying the atonement of Jesus Christ to my life, not only to be made whole, but to progress--to journey and venture to Him helping me fulfill the measure of my creation. He really can do it!  After all that I can do, HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT!

COME SHAKE IT!

So this is going to be awesome!! Citlalli had some kind Zumba Instructors say that they would donate their time and the Classic Skating Center also donated their building for free! There have been so many kind people who have put together a lot to help out with this fundraiser!

It was just a few weeks ago that Todor, Citlalli and a group of us went up to temple square to enjoy the lights. There were soooo many people and it was not the safest envorment for Todor to be around that many germs... but he stayed outside and we had a great evening!

Truly, I can't tell you all the miracles that have happened. $20,000 was raised in just two weeks in order to save some of Todor's Cells to do a Stem-Cell Treatment. Many more people have dontated so much here and in Bulgaria.... So this Zumba class is just one more way that Citlalli has thought of to help raise funds. I hope to be there! NOT to Zumba of course! (We all know how sad it is when I try to "shake it" but I will be there taking video and enjoying all the folks!)

If anyone is in Orem next Saturday, you would be welcome to join us!!