I really don't know how to start this blog, it has been quite the week. Have you ever battled something, something that you desired/struggled to overcome? I know, pretty silly question for I am pretty sure everyone has felt the sting of their weaknesses, and longing to become better. I can't speak for everyone, but I do speak for myself... battles are going on.
I am going to be quite personal and this is not a subject I freely discuss with most people and surely not on a blog where who knows who might be reading... but it has been quite an interesting week and I feel I must share my thoughts... (ha, it also looks like this is a night of dot dot dots too (...)!
For those who know me, reading this, probably knows that I have been a 4X girl for as long as I can remember. :) Now surely, one has to say that in order to become a 4X girl, you had to first hit 1X 2X and so up to become 4X. Well let me just say again, that I always remember being a 4X girl. My size has been the cause of much fasting, countless prayers, endless tears and pleading to overcome. I know everyone has a vice and what one vice is for someone, probably wouldn't phase the 10 people you pass in the grocery store. But I have learned that to each his own. I have allowed my size to mask "me" in some ways, ha in a lot of ways...
My dad last year mentioned a diet and gave me a little booklet on it. To which my first response and several responses after wards was, "Not for me". Why you might ask? I guess looking back it was pride, more more than that--I just had a negative thought in my mind of what diets do to people and I did not want to have any part of a diet. Now that being said, through the years I have tried countless things. Going without sugar for a full year... exercise, eating more healthy. Obviously not for consistent periods of time or else something would have happened. But right before coming home from the mission, I was given a blessing in which I was promised that I would be able to lose the weight I desired and to keep it off--and that God would change the very chemical makeup of my body if needs be. Again, a struggle with my weight has been my life long burden it seems. So although I had hope in this blessing, it seemed more like a fleeting thought then a reality.
Back to the specific eating commitment--my Dad knows, that I will pray about things. After turning him down about looking into a particular diet, several times, he requested that I at least pray about it. (!) Oh to the Dad that knows his daughter all to well!
I did pray about it, but I was a stink, for I did not care to know/receive an answer. And for the first time since I was 19, I really didn't pray to know, and just went through the motion of asking Heavenly Father so I could tell my Dad that I had prayed about it. My Dad asked me if I had prayed, and I told him that I had, but then admitted that I had not been sincere about it. For a week or so after, my soul was wracked a little with the fact that I had not sincerely asked--a trait in my prayers that although I am not perfect in--I have made it a point to try to be fully sincere in every prayer.
Well, long story short, I did end up praying about this particular way of eating and within a few days had four strong impressions that I needed to committee to doing it. ...and thus started an amazing journey of hell and heaven.
What was/is the commitment? Just a protein and lots of veggie diet. Day one was doable. Day two was tough... and by day three I discovered a truth about myself that I had never realized before. I was an emotional eater. I discovered and knew before that whenever I cried, whether for being happy/upset/feeling the spirit/angry, whatever it was--I could stop heavy, sobbing/red dots on the forehead crying by just putting something in my mouth. Sounds ridiculous I am sure, to some, but it is true. It could be a carrot stick or a cheese stick--what went in did not matter, I just had to put something in my mouth, and I could immediately stop the emotion. At the time of discovering this, I just knew I could stop my crying by eating but did not know the depths as to what I was really doing.
By day three through the fifth day on the diet, I discovered that when I would eat before (when being emotional), I would not just stop the crying, but I could actually turn off dealing with what was heavy on my mind. In a sense, eating, caused it so that I did not have to "deal" with whatever I was dealing with. Now--I don't want you thinking I ate the world away, because I did not. But I did turn to food.
Recently a woman questioned my sister in how she "dealt" with life, where was her "out" if she did not drink or smoke?! The woman who asked, could not believe that my sister would go through the type of job she did/does, without having an "outlet" at the end of the day. I have never had alcohol before or smoked, but I guess in a way for some people it is a way to numb them from what emotions/stresses they are feeling/going through. The woman asked my sister, "What is our out if you don't drink or smoke?!!" To which my sister chuckling responded, "Food and Chocolate!". Oh the truth found in that statement.
Well, by day five on the diet, I found that the mental emotions I was going through--I now had to deal with because I did not have the option of going to my blanket cover of food. I learned much about myself that first weekend on my new eating style/pattern. I learned how I was NOT involving/turning to God as I should have been.
(Now, for those of you freaking out at this point, breath. I eat, I am healthy, and I am fully aware of what the word of wisdom teaches. I am grateful for the truths found there. Please know that my actions to do this diet are inspired and I feel I have been led by God in this area of my life...:) )
The next two weeks on the diet, left me with no where to turn but on my knees. I know, this is probably a real duh for most people. But I had no idea I was neglecting turning to God by eating away/not having to deal with my emotional stresses, whatever they were.
All this happened back in June.
At the end of Dec, I stopped doing the diet consistently. I still did it, but if I had a little extra whatever, it was fine. At the time, I had been working for months to build up jogging--and that will have to be for another post in sharing the miracles that took place in my life there. But I see God's hand in what changes I made with my eating at that time.
Soo, where does that leave me now and why in the world would I write this so far?!!
Well, in the last month I have been trying to get back on consistently doing the diet as I had been doing it last year... and it seriously has been kicking my bum. Now, what I am about to share, I don't expect anyone to understand the deep dark inside workings of me, but for whatever reason I am to expose my most awesomest (I know that is not a word, but it should be! Has a fun ring to me. ;)) weaknesses.
Wanting to finish my journey with getting my body to become the instrument I hope it to be, physically for my children, my husband, and most importantly a tool for God, I have been trying to get my life back on this specific diet, to finish out a life long pursuit. And for a lot of reasons I could name, I just could not stay consistent as I was trying to get back on. I could not stay committed. I pleaded, again with dedicated fasting and time on my knees asking/crying for help to recommit myself. I want to overcome "my" natural man.
In the temple last Tues, I opened, as I often do when I find I am in a state/area to ponder, to Moroni 7. Knowing and wanting to overcome the natural man--and having discovered that the key to overcoming one's self is Charity, I turned to the wonderful check list Moroni goes through with Charity. And there right there in front of my eyes--was an awesome key to what I was dealing with/lacking! Vs. 45 "And charity suffereth long..." I WAS NOT keeping that "check" in the list of Charity. I went through the other items in Vs. 45, and for the most part was constantly striving to keep them, but for that moment in my life, I was not remembering the "sufferth long" commandment of having charity. I left the chapel and the temple that day, determined to do better in keeping that charge of Charity and in a sense be a little kinder/give a little slack to the battle I was fighting.
On my battle raged... good in the morning, failed sticking with my commitments at night.
My Pblessing directs me to continue in my habit of studying the scriptures for I will find the word of the Lord there, but also, "They will be a great blessing into (my) life especially in times of trial and tribulation."
...
This last week I was reading in Alma 14. Alma and Amulek have had to witness the burning of many righteous women and children. Women and children who would not give up their faith in Jesus Christ. They then, Alma and Amulek, are bound and were hit upon their cheeks and were eventually cask into prison. The Judges, lawyers, and teachers in the land came to question them in prison, but Alma and Amulek did not answer their questions, but in awesome humility/patience remained quite.
Over and over, one by one, the Judges, lawyers, and teachers came and smote Alma and Amuleks' cheeks. These evil men gnashed their teeth and while spitting upon the two held bound said, "How shall we look when we are damned?" For many days they suffered in the prison without food or water. They were bound with strong cords and their clothes were taken from them that they were naked. Beating after beating came, until finally--the Lord's timing became perfect.
25 And it came to pass that they all went forth and smote them, saying the same words, even until the last; and when the last had spoken unto them the power of God was upon Alma and Amulek, and they rose and stood upon their feet.This story has always touched me, as I am sure it does every reader. The patience these two men exude is not just inspiring but encouraging.
26 And Alma cried, saying: How long shall we suffer these great afflictions, O Lord? O Lord, give us strength according to our faith which is in Christ, even unto deliverance. And they broke the cords with which they were bound; and when the people saw this, they began to flee, for the fear of destruction had come upon them.
27 And it came to pass that so great was their fear that they fell to the earth, and did not obtain the outer door of the prison; and the earth shook mightily, and the walls of the prison were rent in twain, so that they fell to the earth; and the chief judge, and the lawyers, and priests, and teachers, who smote upon Alma and Amulek, were slain by the fall thereof.
28 And Alma and Amulek came forth out of the prison, and they were not hurt; for the Lord had granted unto them power, according to their faith which was in Christ. And they straightway came forth out of the prison; and they were loosed from their bands; and the prison had fallen to the earth, and every soul within the walls thereof, save it were Alma and Amulek, was slain; and they straightway came forth into the city.
29 Now the people having heard a great noise came running together by multitudes to know the cause of it; and when they saw Alma and Amulek coming forth out of the prison, and the walls thereof had fallen to the earth, they were struck with great fear, and fled from the presence of Alma and Amulek...
After reading the account, to my minds eye, I beheld myself-- with walls of crumpled prison around me. All my vices, my natural man, the struggles and afflictions I was currently being haunted with, were like those offensive judges and lawyers-- and those offenses and vices were crushed in the fall of MY prison walls. My bands had been broken and I had been given deliverance/power and strength by/through Jesus Christ's atonement. I was stepping out of MY once prison. I was stepping out, I, through/by Christ had conquered the afflictions and now with peace, determination, and faith, was moving on....
This vision came to my mind and I was moved and desired to see the vision a reality. I left to work stirred with determination. I received a blessing from my brother... I was reminded that God has placed people in my life to help me and that I should confide in them... so I called in the troops. I prayerfully sent out texts of requests asking for prayers in my behalf. So stirring was the vision that I also felt to ask a friend at work who is an artist, if she wouldn't mind drawing up a stick version of my vision. I told her not to spend much time on it, but that I wanted a girl, surrounded by a fallen prison, walking/moving forward with confidence, determination, peace. This morning, the lovely Savanna Rodriguez had this beauitful (WAY MORE THEN MY EXPECTED STICK FIGURE REQUEST) sitting on my desk with a sincere note attached.
I was overwhelmed and deeply touched. I loved that she added light rays! I love that the girl although warn from the bonds that held her captive, she did not let affliction overcome her... There are so many reasons while I love this picture! It is hanging in my cube. Thank you, THANK YOU Savanna!Why do I share any of this?! Like President Eyring stated a few years ago in conference that his experiences where not just for him, but that he was to write them down. Most people know me to be incredibly private when it comes to my personal inside items. Sharing the gospel and insights given--NO PROBLEM, as long as they don't involve my personal struggles and weaknesses! ;) I know, I am a little messed up.
But this story and chapter of my life, although not finished, has had a sweet plot thicken. I have been sustained by amazing prayers. And I am fully committed back to my commitments. I am feeling the bands and shackles of my natural man start to melt away, and slowly for this particular prison, I am seeing the walls start to crumble. And like the girl Savanna so graciously and beautifully drew, I am moving forward with confidence, determination, peace, and an extra measure of faith.
At the beginning of the year, Jan first, I knelt in prayer and sought heaven to know what goals I should be working on this year. One of the two was to "overcome the natural man". Oh the wisdom of God. For at that moment, I did not feel like the natural man was a battle I was dealing with. ... Oh the wisdom of my God!
I know that Satan would have me stay as I was, turning to any source but Jesus Christ to deal with my emotions/stresses/afflictions of the day. But oh the healing rescue of the Savior's atonement! Oh to be able to turn to Him. He is a great carrier of the things of the heart, of the things of the soul, of the things mentally and emotional and physically that we go through. "Oh Jesus, Pilot me!" "Oh Jesus, lover of [MY] soul...let me to thy bosom fly."
On Sunday a Brother Wing from the high council came and spoke and reminded everyone there that we should thank Heavenly Father every day for the Sabbath day and thank him every day that we get/have "one more day to become like the Savior."
Where will this journey take me?! Your guess is as good as mine! But coming from an always used to be size 28 to now almost a size 16--I testify that God will can help us full fill our deepest desires. That prayers really do strengthen and can support/sustain others, Jesus overcame all prisons built, all bands that bind, all afflictions/struggles of the mind, body, spirit, and heart... He gives us strength to stand and go froth. Charity suffereth long, and is Kind... Christ suffereth long, is kind, envieth not, is not puffed up, seeketh not his own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no eveil, rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth. Christ beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things! Someday I hope to be able to put my name in front of such a scripture.
Jesus is the Christ!! He came to not only rescue/make a way for the world to repent and get back to the father, but He came to make away for me to repent and overcome my natural man!
Thank you Savanna for your picture!! Thank you for all those who have offered prayers up for me. Thank you to my parents and my family, who have been patient/loving and supportive as I have strived for personal commitment. And thank you LUKE for your brilliant drawing of my "priesthood hunk"! :)
Last night at FHE Luke showed me some pretty amazing sketches of these guys in full armor holding swords. One even had blood all over it. Quite gruesome. I asked Luke if he could draw me a "priesthood hunk!" I told him he could even have a sword, because I love the symbolism of what a sword stands for in the scriptures. At the end of FHE, this is what his interpretation of a "priesthood hunk" was. Mind you, I think he is 10, and I am pretty sure he doesn't know what "hunk" means... so this is what he envisioned "priesthood" to mean. Suit, tie, sunglasses, and The Book of Mormon! !!! Seriously Luke, I could not have more perfectly drawn an interpretation of the things that mean the most to me in searching for my priesthood hunk!!!
Needless to say, I LOVED the picture! It hangs on my front door!
Well, I think that is as about as personal as one should get for a whole year! :) ha ha, just kidding.
The Church is True!
Thanks to an awesome plan from a loving Heavenly Father, and His mercy through His Son, I am committed! And I feel I have been given power to stand.
Onward and upward! I rejoice in My God! My Rock--my Salvation--MY literal REDEEMER...!
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