Reflective mood: perhaps it is because I said goodbye to my 20s and with arms wide open I embrace my 30s... perhaps it is that much of what we have recorded about the Savior was in His early 30s...or is it the fact that if I live until 90, I have just completed 1/3 of this life... God has brought me so much. I am nothing without Him, and yet to Him I am everything.
I am grateful for the statement "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. … God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not."--Pres. Uchtdorf How that applies for me. I am not perfect, and those who think I am just don't know me well enough or perhaps love me so much that their love blankets my imperfections... how grateful I am that so many choose to love than pick at my flaws. And I am not mopey, but be not deceived, I am not perfect and struggle with my own personal weaknesses.
A friend sent me an email late last night which I happened to read at 6am this morning that asked me some pretty straight forward questions.
Bryndi, thank you so much for always looking to help me and serve me. I know your heart and know you always have the desire to serve and love. Would you please stop for a second and think a little more of YOU!!! It doesn't mean you will be selfish or prideful, because you are not. What do YOU want? What do YOU desire? I know you want to do God's will, and serve Him, and keep the commandments, etc. and it is great! But what is something that Bryndi Cloward wants/desire with all her heart because of who she is? Because of your individuality as a unique daughter of God? [Have] you done a list of those things? Either Spiritual, temporal, educational, understanding or anything YOU would have in your heart?I know they were getting at my goals and what I was hoping to achieve in life. Good question as if I do live to 90 again a 1/3 of my mortal life has been lived. I laid in bed and thought of my priorities. Thought of what "moves" me. What excites me and what I live for... after a full day of reflection and reviewing my priorities sometimes with deep tears, and truly seeking what is in my heart--my "greatest desire"...
My friend's timely email caused me great reflection all today as I pondered who and what I am today and who I want to become... and everything I strive to do (okay not everything, because I sure fall short and forget at times, like always remember Christ and praying with real intent etc) revolves around a deep motivation, a deep desire.
My greatest desire is to become like Christ. To become the daughter of God that Heavenly Father wants me to be. This package includes all that I do and take in or choose to do with my time is uplifting and or edifying. That I will be able to use it (whatever I am focusing on) as a tool in some why to bless any that God would place on my path. I have a driving force that I want to be and do it for God--but I also almost in 2nd place want to do it for my brothers and sisters. I want to bless, uplift, lighten, care for, love, show kindness, awaken, support, serve, fellowship, hug, all and any placed on my path. And my hopes, in doing any of these things, will lead them to the very joys and happiness I live by... lead them to Christ, all that He is, can do, will do, does do for one who will come and follow Him.
I shared with Dad in some reflective tears tonight, that what I do is not very "measurable" in terms of the world. Only God fully knows the intents and desires of my heart. Yes it is to do His will and to keep His commandments--but why? I have choice. I know I could choose differently. But wanting to be like Him/for Him, help bring anyone to Him, is in me. It is who I am. It is where I choose to spend my energy and focus. And because of that, my goals in life focus on achieving those desires.
So what will the next 30 years bring, if I am allowed to live them, I hope to become more of who He would have me be. Have more charity, more quickness to forgive, no desires to judge wrongly when judgment is needed, constant desires to live the gospel and keep commandments. And by studying and striving to become who I want to become, I hope in another 30 years I will be one step closer.
I don't know why I am writing any of this. Sometimes I would choose to keep this way more private for fear that I am labled as "perfect" that all I do is inspired... like I said, God knows my imperfections and the things I am striving to become.
I am a 30 old virgin, who LOVES and believes in the chastity of women. I know that Man and Woman are to be lawfully wedded and only then, can fully enjoy the beauty of sanctifying processes of their souls becoming one with God. I am a 30 year old that is choosing Christ. I am a 30 year old that longs for a family and to spoil a husband with support and love as He fulfills His priesthood duties, but I am also a 30 year old who is striving to live by the council of "all is well" in every given moment. I am a 30 year old who knows how to pray and knows that God does answer prayers. I am a 30 year old woman that knows who she is, where she came from before this earth life, why she is here now, and where she can go if she lives God's plan--after this life. I am a 30 year old woman who knows the value of family.
So "cheers" to another 30 years, if God allows! Whether here or there--my greatest desire is to become like Christ.
I am grateful for handsome nephews on my door step who exclaim,
"Wow, I like your hair!" as the first words of "hello"
out of their mouth! :)
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| Pie Eating Contest--Grandpa won! :D |
**I am grateful for teenage nephews! I LOVE THEM MORE THAN THEY KNOW!
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