BIG DIPPER

Can I just tell you, God plays such a part of our every day. His hand is there whether we are custom to seeing it or just think that it is our life and He is not "in it" much--HE IS.

My heart is full for so many reasons....

WASHER & LIST OF I LOVE YOU

My washer went out last week. Wonderful! :/ !! Dad was gone and told me to give Uncle Paul a call. To the rescue he came. Without any help from me--he came to my house, took the door off my laundry room, wheeled out my washer, loaded it into the truck, off to Orem to drop it off, a few days later, picked it up, rolled it back in, hooked it back up and put my door back on. I LOVE MY UNCLE PAUL!!

I was deeply touched by his selfless service. When dropping off the washer she shared with me something that God did for him back in May. Pauly was going through all of Becky's old church/primary files on the computer. He started to delete them off. As he was doing this Sue called him up and asked him what he was doing. He told her and she mentioned to not delete anything that he shouldn't by mistake. He said he was looking through all the files. Again Sue urged him to open everything. He found a file that he assumed was a forward email on reasons why I love you. Becky and Paul always forward emails back and forth. Paul opened up the file. It was no email forward... but was a list that Becky was making on Paul of all the reasons why she loved Paul...! There were 56 (or 54 I can't remember) items listed of why she loved Paul.... ! Becky has been gone since November and Paul found this file in the computer in May. I cried as Paul shared this tender mercy with me.... God is so good, so kind! I love you Pauly! Thank you for all your help!

"GO TO MYRNA'S"
Saturday brought a feeling that I needed to go and see Myrna.
Sunday the same impression kept coming over and over. There were so many miracles that happened on Sunday that I was literally at the church until 6pm. The impressions kept getting stronger and stronger. So not daring to even go home I drove, speeding a bit into the canyon and prayed that God would allow me to get there to see her. The above picture was taken before Myrna's Cancer. She has been going through Chemo.

I finally arrived in her deserted town and knocked on her door. No answer. I knocked again seeing a light on. She eventually came to the door. We talked for a moment and then this giant of a woman broke down into tears. She said that for whatever reason she was so lonely that day and just couldn't shake it. Embarrassed she hid her face from me not wanting me to see her tears. She told me that she knew that Jesus Christ was there for her and that she would be okay, but that the day was extra hard. We cried together. Ann and Woody had stopped by earlier to visit with her. I did not stay long for Myrna was exhausted but we prayed together and the spirit of the Lord filled the home and we both cried with gratitude.

I pulled away from her house weeping. Deep gratitude for such a woman being brought into my life. She is a solid rock and a choice example of love and trust in God. I thought of her little tiny three street town where in the winter she is the only soul that lives in her town... I thought of all the people God could have brought into my life, he brought me Myrna! How could I ever repay such a kindness?

"VISIT WOODY & ANN"
On my drive back to Scofield, I felt to stop and see Ann and Woody. I don't think I have ever made a stop by myself at their place so it must have come as a surprise to them. But we talked and we spoke of our love for Myrna. I mentioned that her request was for green tomatoes to which Woody replied that it was already taken care of. Woody and Ann asked Myrna what they could do for her and she requested some green tomatoes that she could fry up. Woody came home, called a friend and had made arrangements to take her the tomatoes the very next day. I could not hind my emotion at he and his wife's love and commitment to Myrna.

CANYON DRIVE
The night was dark and I was left to drive home. No music, not talks on CD, just my bursting heart. I prayed out loud through sobs of gratitude as I thanked God for all his kind blessings. I was overcome with emotion. At one point I was driving around a bend and looked up to see the Big Dipper right before the ridge line in the canyon. It was bright and deep and I thought that it was a perfect symbol of my feelings. My cup runth over and God has just been POURING his blessings into my life... through the righteous love and example of others. I could not stop crying.

RUNNING WITH SAM
Sam--too this month has been choice. (Nothing different then any other month with my association with him, but we did a few activities that we have never done before.)

When he asked me to go to Zion's quicker then quick I said thanks but no thanks and that was that. But I felt that I needed to pray about going--to which the answer was that I needed to go to Zion's. First hike ever in 10 + years. I worried about if I could make it.

Of course Sam is WAY TOO much of a gentleman to let me hike it by myself. He could have run the whole way up Angel's Landing, but he wanted to make sure I was okay. You can't tell, but I am pretty much dieing on these switch backs.
But what does Sam do? To make it so I don't feel the "pressure", he just starts taking "pictures" so I can catch my breath. What a friend! Micarie and James were also good hiking buddies.
And I felt it choice choice that I was with like minded people. Was the view great on top?! Oh yes. :) But the view is not what made the day. God helped me hike something that even last year would have never been a reality.

For Sam's birthday we did Lagoon. Another thing that would have not happened last year or any time prior to that. (Other then this year the last time I was at Lagoon, was when I was in High school with Ash.)

Here Sam and I are dry and having fun. Sadly my bumper car experience was mostly driving backwards because apparently it is a real art to go forwards!
The 2nd round of Rattle snake rapid brought on a new look for the rest of evening--the wet Rat look! I wasn't excited to have my straight hair hit the fuzz of what water does, but Sam couldn't wait to go on the wet ride. How can you deny such a smile?! I couldn't and said yes/went on rides with him that I didn't even do with my nephews!

Why do I share all of this? A great lesson I learned from "running" with Sam. About two + years ago I picked up Sam for our ward temple night. We were running late and were looking for a parking place. Sam offered to drop me off and he would park and run. Me, not wanting to inconvenience him said it would be no problem and that we would just both run together. (WRONG ANSWER! :) We parked out on the street and then had to run to the temple. Did I mention that Sam is a runner? Well our jog to the temple just about did me in.

My 2nd run with Sam was after we finished hiking Angel's landing we started to run down the mountain a bit. We hoped to hike the narrows still that afternoon and everyone had already finished the hike.

My third time running with Sam was at lagoon as we raced through the rain to get to the Rattle Snake Rapids ride.

After Lagoon I was pondering over the fact that I had had a hard time running with Sam. The first time at the temple, my body was a lot different then and running was not something I did. But I have since learned how to jog, but still found the hike and Lagoon's little runs--left me out of breath. I must admit I was slightly annoyed with my lack of stamina. So two days after lagoon, Monday morning, I felt it get up and go jogging. It has been months out of a routine and I figured I would only be able to go 5-mins. I figured I would start extremely slow and when I felt like backing off I would back off... but I ended up jogging over a mile?!!! And the next day was about a mile and a half! What was the difference? Why the change jogging for a while as apposed to dieing with Sam's and I little jaunt?! Why had I about died with Sam? The difference is... on my jogging, I took it my pace. I was not trying to keep up with anyone nor have any eyes on me. I was presently surprised at how long I went for not having jogged since basically Feb. This was a great lesson for me. How true it is to life. If I am consistent and take things at my pace/my impressions--not based/pleasing any other one... I can accomplish more than I thought I could/can! God is so okay if we go the pace we need to. The catch is--to KEEP moving in the direction towards Him.

JOURNALS
I had the impression this week to write in my journal. I won't lie, it was kind of a big inconvenience! HUGE one just because I didn't feel like I had "time" to write in my journal. After my journal was typed, I copied the pages and went to my online journal to past the info in. I was surprised and hand not remembered having entries in the last two months... but there were journal entrees. What in the world had I written about? I seriously couldn't remember writing.... So I opened up a few entrees and was overcome. SUCH amazing things God has brought into my life in the last few months. Sometimes I really hate the question when people ask me what I have been doing. After long work hours, what does Bryndi Cloward do with her life? Well that is a very good question but I often dread being asked it. .... reading these journal entries I was reminded of the sweetness of my life. It is a life filled with challenges and trials and temptations trying literally to kill me by degrees, but I can honestly say that my life is FILLED with God and moments from Him.

As I read my eyes were wet and I was reminded of His hand in my life. OH chalk that up for another reason to keep a journal! I have many times, late in the night, typed, slept, opened my eyes, typed again, over and over and then the next day gone back in to try and figure out what I was trying to write through my sleep. But hey, that has to count for something right?! :D

I have recently spoken with two close friends. One shared that he hasn't gotten a blessing since he was 12 and that was for appendicitis (he now being a returned missionary age). I asked him why and he said he is one of the oldest of a lot of kids, and so "going with out" so that others can have the need of the parents/joys was just a part of his life. When I asked him about getting a blessing, he said he thought it would be a good idea, but that he didn't "need" one. The interpretation for that is that he was not "dieing" so therefore didn't need one. Oh I had much to say about that!

God is a God of greatness! He is named "God" after all and for good reason. Oh how I see his workings in my life. And equally choice I see/he allows me to see his workings in the lives of others. God is a god of miracles! He is good, he is gracious. He is FULL of mercy, truth and light. He is a father that loves and cares and listens and blesses.... Bible dictionary--blessings he would already give but are CONDITIONAL upon our asking for them. I guess a very subtle tactic of the adversary is to be so "okay" with life that we are okay/never feel the "need" to seek ask for such blessings. But don't the scriptures say over and over, ask and ye shall receive seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you. SHALL is strong language. There is no MAYBE you will receive, or IF you are having a good day and have been infinatly kind you MIGHT get an answer. God says SHALL. "Shall" is in THOU SHALL NOT KILL or thou SHALL not commit adultery... God is using the SAME SHALL.

So my thoughts, am I allowing God to be MY GOD? To be my shepherd. A shepherd leads guides supports, lifts, blesses, finds, and when needed places me those whom he has found on his shoulders. But if I am so okay with life, and who I am that I don't "need" God...? Isn't that lack of "need" a direct tool of the devil?! I answer yes. It is. Does this mean that God doesn't want us to use our brain and being about much good of our own free will and choice, certainly not. He wants us to use our brains! And perhaps one area we can start is figuring out what GOD is in our life. And if there is a place for God to BE OUR GOD. Surely the Savior followed and did the will of the father in everything, and what is so beautiful is that he still had agency. Christ didn't have to do what he said he would do. He didn't have to seek the father on anything or pray as much as he did. I am pretty sure he was capable of having and living a FULL=BUSY life without his God. But He chose to have his Father in Heaven be apart of His every movement. Whether by seeking and asking, or the Savior already alining His will to the Father's. What a team!! What a companionship!!

Can it not be the same for each of us?!

If we allow God to BE in our day by keeping him close in prayer and counseling with him in all our doings and he WILL direct us for good (Alma 37:37). There is another word like shall = will! Do we really believe that he will? The scriptures say He will. And it doesn't say "when" we feel like some of our doings are really important, or the ones that are just Sunday/church oriented. ALL says means ALL--doesn't it?!

I have such a deep testimony that God doesn't lie about what He says. And that He can teach us how He CAN be our God. Our daily life breathing, in need of God. And how his Son, Jesus Christ CAN be our Christ, our Savior.

I recently had a conversation with a choice friend. They shared that perhaps God is given too much credit for things that happen. That yes he is in our lives, but he lets our lives play out and is not into all the details. I believe things play out, actions, consequences come to pass for those actions good or bad, but I have found for myself, that even when I don't have to remind myself to breath/or the air isn't smelling that it causes me to remember that hey it stinks or hey it smells good.... regardless if I am thinking of it or not-- I am always breathing air. It surrounds me, fills my lungs in and out morning night when I am away when I am asleep. It is always there playing one of the most vital roles in helping me stay alive....air allows me to breath. And that goes into having a body that will let me breath, lungs, a heart to pump, blood to BE pumped... and yes I function without even remembering or thinking of these things. But yet they are their and very much apart of why I am living and not dead. I believe God is the same. He is there ALWAYS whether I choose to acknowledge him or not, whether I "see" him or not, He is there more than I know.

My heart is full. God is so good. And I can tell you that He can and IS apart of our every day life. One can adjust to have the veil/realization pressed so they what they did not see before, but was always there, they can now see. Jogging three times with Sam pretty much told me I was not a jogger and I could not do it. BUT I could not see, did not know, had to learn that I just needed to go a different pace. And with that different pace brought in long periods without stopping. Something I could not SEE possible-but was ever reality.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but to the one who doesn't know or see yet the air that surround them-- You have a God in Heaven, your father. And He will BE your God if you will let Him. For He is there, whether you have allowed/trained yourself to see Him or not. Not seeing doesn't mean He is not there. He is, and He loves you. He loves us all! Oh may we thank our Great God for he can give us a portion of his Spirit to soften our hearts (Alma 24:8). Our Great God through is Son has made a way for our souls to be washed and bright through the atonement (Alma 24:13). And our great God will/has mercy on us and will make things known unto us and WHY because he LOVETH OUR SOULS (Alma 24:14).

He will be your God. He is my God! I know He is in my daily life and how grateful I am the condensation of His son, to aid/bless me.

Daily--one can have/see God in their life. I testify that this is true.

Big Dipper-- My cup is over flowing and blessings are pouring down on me... !

Jesus Christ lives. God hears and answers prayers.

ps. random side note- Penn I love you! Proud of you!

"...YOU ARE NEVER ALONE..."

A few weeks back this awesome lesson was given in church by my Bishop and Brother Welch in my ward. (We belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.) The letter written below was written from an individual who had struggled with overcoming pornography. I was impressed with the principles shared and think that the council is wisdom for any addiction and/or incorrect habit that someone may be fighting to break/overcome.

The following letter was written from a person who had a pornography problem and was able to overcome this problem so as to serve a mission. He gave [Bishop Lifferth] this letter in hopes to help other people who have this problem to give them HOPE and council.
--
I keep having this thought going through my head that I should write to you about my experience with pornography, you may share this with whomever you wish, I just hope that my experience can help others find happiness in their lives.

It doesn’t matter how you start looking at pornography, because in the end it always leads to the same addictive result. The first step I had to take in battling pornography is realizing the damage that it does. Initially I rationalized looking at pornography by thinking that it would only hurt myself, and even then it is not hurting myself because my body is programmed to work this way. But then I began to think about my relationships before I began looking at pornography, and realized how my perceptions had changed about everyone I see. I no longer looked at people thinking of them as people, I only saw them as objects. This is not just demeaning to others, but it damages yourself, because you have crippled yourself emotionally. This emotional crippling hinders everyone around you. You become defensive all the time, your mind will continually jump to the wrong conclusions about people, and you will constantly see sexuality in everything and everyone. ONce I came to the conclusion that pornography was harmful, only then could I move on to the next step which was abandoning it.

Abandoning pornography is like abandoning a drug. It seems like the more you stop looking the more you crave it. But I promise that you can overcome the intense urges that come. Many people will tell you that if you picture someone you love in your mind while these urges come that it will help you fight the urge. I tried this and it didn’t work for me personally, I also tried humming my favorite hymn but that was to no avail, I even tried running away, but when I got back form the run I was still confronted with the same problem I was at before. The only way that I found to overcome this immense evil which had control over my life was to look at my life from an eternal perspective. I had to sit down and weigh out all that I wanted in my life and see if pornography was what I wanted. After I came to the conclusion that the only way that I could attain what I wanted in life was to rid myself of the controlling power of pornography, I began to start winning the battles over the urges. It began slow, and I lost the battle the first several times, but I began to feel a sense of self control. I finally began to control the urges, when this happens you will find a great amount of self confidence, and you will find that you will gain more and more control over yourself.

It is important to know that you will not win every time you have an urge to look at pornography. But one set back does not have to end in defeat, the real test of self comes form falling down and picking yourself back up.

Once you do have your first victories over pornography you may feel as I did and think that the problem is getting worse and that the urges are intensifying, this only shows that the great adversary, Satan himself, is trying is hardest to stop you from progressing. When this does occur I hope with all my heart that you will press on, and continue focusing on what you truly want from this mortal experience and continue towards that goal.

I testify to you that this evil does not need to persist. You have the power to stop it, you are a child of our almighty god and can draw on his infinite strength. I know this to be true, I know that the power of the atonement can save you and make you whole again. You have only to reach out to the savior, our brother, Jesus Christ and he will be there to help you out of the treacherous grasp of pornography. I know that this may seem lie an insurmountable task to accomplish, but you are never alone, call on your savior, use the atonement to purify your life, you will find no joy in pornography, joy can only be found in living a life in accordance to the plan of salvation. My dear brother or sister, I write this to you as if I were with you in person but I am not, but I want you to know that a multitude of blessings and outpouring of the spirit await you with open arms at the end of this trial. I promise you that if you will try to rid yourself of this evil you will gain happiness and find a greater depth to the gospel, I hope that these words will help you in your trials, and I leave this as a testament that there is hope, and there is forgiveness through our everlasting redeemer, even our savior and brother Jesus Christ.

The picture above is pretty significant. Spent some time in Zions on Monday and it was overcast the whole day. It was not until we were packing up to leave the park around 7pm that the light broke through and finally hit a few of the peaks. It only lasted about six or so mins, but as you can tell, it was breathtaking to see the peaks illuminated. I feel the same occurs with the addictions and weaknesses we struggle with in our lives. EVENTUALLY the "light" will come! I believe if one does all they can do, pleading and working out their struggles with the Lord--they will eventually have a "break through" in their efforts to overcome the "drug" of whatever magnitude... and their life can/will be filled with light--HIS light.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!?!

The other day I was speaking with a friend. She brought her friend (I will call her Sue) over to meet me. I shook Sue's hand and tried to get to know her a little. She seemed to be a really cute girl. That is the last I saw of this girl.

Later I overheard my girlfriend tell someone else, how her friend, Sue, was out visiting. That she was frustrated with her marriage and while she has been out here came in contact (my guess is she had been in previous contact) with an old friend from her not so long ago teen days. My friend then casually told me how Sue had spent a few days with this guy. My friend told Sue that she was going to get in trouble to which Sue replied that she didn't care. My friend mentioned she was pretty sure she had already slept with him and didn't know when she was going to go back to her husband.

I was sick. I asked my friend what she had counseled Sue to do and to which she replied that "It's not my life or choice what she does with her life". OH, WAKE UP--my dear dear friend...

The conversation left me ill feeling.

I have pondered even in my own life what makes my life less wonderful then other times. What makes me "numb" to the spirit?

I stopped holding to the iron rod or at least slackened my grip.



If we do not hold on to God's word and make it a constant standard in our life, it is so much easier, at least I have found this to be true for me, to have a hard heart. To let complacency, and lax in ones commitments to truth and righteousness--spill into the gaps that a lax commitment leaves.
Oh hold on to ones covenants! One's promises! Hold on to God's promises.

After my friend shared me how it wasn't her life and who was she to tell Sue that she was doing wrong... I pondered over my own roll in life. I surely have many weaknesses, but when someone is falling off a cliff, do I allow them to fall without even reaching out to rescue/secure them? The "drop" let go of ones commitments can be death to the soul.

Dear Sue--and any Sue's out there. No matter how hard things are--turn to God! Regardless of what, even a well intentioned man is doing to console you or to give you peace, turn to God! God will be your strength, give you life, lift your soul. There is always hope! Jesus Christ is your hope. Think of all you will be sacrificing. Is it worth it? !!!!!!!!!!!!!! To anyone who is flirting with temptation. Be like Joseph--FLEE! Don't even allow your thoughts to go there. There is not wisdom. I remember at work, that I needed to go get a hardware piece and needed one of my computer guys to pick it up. I had the credit card and he had the brains. We drove together to the store. How uneasy I felt. This man-married, and although we are friends, 10 + years apart I felt the tugging of the spirit whisper that I should not be alone with him in a car, but that we should take a third person. This man, a dear friend, would never do anything, but we are told to avoid the very appearance of evil! And out of respect for his wife, and to follow the impression from God-- I to this day have never gone anywhere alone with him.

What are you thinking?!
Hold to the rod! If you have slipped, do all you can to firm up once again your commitments to God.
I can truly testify that I am happiest when I am keeping God's commandments. When I am not flirting with temptation. When I am being true to my God and the covenants I have made.

Oh Dear Sue - regardless of how bad something might seem or how hopeless your life might feel, turn to God. Do not flirt with the temptation of ruining your marriage, your future posterity, yourself worth. But what's that you say, your marriage is already ruined? TURN TO GOD!

Dear Friend, yes it is not our life to live for our friends, and yes it is their choice. But what friend are we to allow someone we know and love to administer poison without even apposing with love and concern?

Yes we are all free to choose.

What was she thinking?! --I don't believe she was. I believe we can become numb to the spirit and it's promptings, that seemingly innocent little flirting turns into hidden lies, and secrets. God is not a god of secrets. That is the Devil's tool.

Dear One who hurts, things may look dark, but Jesus Christ is the light of the world, and if you will turn to Him, even in what may feel like your darkest hours --they CAN BE filled with light! Great light! Hold on!

Small and simple things-- great things come to pass. Just as this canyon was not carved out over night, but by much time, pressure, storms, winds, floods, and rivers--little over little, a GREAT thing came to pass. So it is in opposite sense. Little flirting with temptations, seemingly innocent at first--great destruction can come to pass.

Who are you looking to be your Rock?!

What does it mean to dwell and abide?! STEADFAST AND IMMOVABLE!


There is only one SURE foundation--there is only ONE Rock!

Dear one flirting with temptation- ask yourself, "Is it worth it?"