Saturday, January 28, 2012

I AM

I know it's not spring--but can you notice what all these pictures have in common? and beside the obvious tulips... what is it about these tulips? 



Notice the LIGHT!  (It almost looks as if there is a light bulb inside each tulip.)

You can't see through them but you can see light through them...!  


 I have an insecurity that creeps it's ugly little head from time to time. Seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. Obviously by it's occurrence, it is something I have not overcome yet. The insecurity or rather the temptation to not be who I know I should be and deep down inside want to me. 

...I share, on a very, very personal side, my journal from tonight with you. It may not make sense to anyone, and is deeply personal, but sometimes we are suppose to "let" our light that we would normally keep very private, "shine" [be shared]. I share my journal not to say "look at me" but rather what Christ, the Gospel, and Heavenly Father are TO me. 

1.27.12

I just finished reading out of 2 Nephi 15 with Ridges book. So good! It talks a lot about the last days and Isaiah saw the wicked and the righteous, it was just amazing. It was good and with my lack of time, I have had to go through the chapter for 2 days. But so good!
       Tonight, as I read what the wicked were doing, over and over in my mind I found myself asking, "Lord, is it I?". And my eyes filled with tears in not wanting to be like that. Great fear and destruction is waiting those who will not have God for their god. And although much is coming, and Brother Ridges points out that Isaiah/God want us to know WHY he is doing things so that we can use our agency wisely... but as I read the temptation to have terror and fear for the last days came upon me, but then the remembering the sweet words of if we are prepared we shall not fear. I don't want to fear, nor do I need to fear. I am grateful for the gospel in my life. How I love it. How I need it. How I long to be who God wants me to be. I feel strengthened and uplifted by his hands. I yearn to learn about him and like Uncle Dave says, lay hold on all of his dealings with the children of men. Me too. I have a long ways to go, but I do see his hand. And I praise his name! I love him!  I love Jesus Christ and I long to be like him. I long to have as Penny Hughes on accident typed that it was going to be a "god year" instead of good year... I do want it to be not just a God year, but a God day, week, moment. I want Christ to be the motivation and the reason behind my heart and the things that I do. I want to see as I am seen by Heavenly Father. I want to lift burdens  and strengthen those who are weak. I want to lose my life to him, for it is not even my life to lose, for I am bought with a price. But rather I rather take His life/way of life up as my own. I am so tempted to think that my way is better, or that what I want or desire trumps. Christ went about healing folks one by one and spending his time with those that most needed him. I NEED him and how I want to be his hands for those who NEED him. We all need him.
         I am not yet a mother, and I often ponder how mothers do all that they do. Truly selfless beings that adapt and keep the temperature warm, the smiles coming. Like Karisa said, MOM = “Manager of Miracles”. How to keep a home, love the children, still serve and be about God's work with my children. I have a desire to instill in them love and faith in Jesus Christ. A desire to give of themselves freely. To be humble followers. To not just be hearers of the word but doers. What a role given to mothers. My own mother who lifts and serves, blesses others through her faith and cheer. My sisters and sister in laws who day in and day out give of their heart and soul.  I know there must be balance and I dread slackening on my commitment to God and pray that even while being a mother I can be secure and ever improving in my relationship/relying on my God. IT is an area of my life I do not want to give up on or slacken in. I must find a way to keep the balance of having time with God even in the mist of all the pressures and wonderful strains of being a mother and raising a family. But my relationship with Heavenly Father--I plead that I might not slacken. That I can be all he wants me to be and give and do, while still getting/taking time to commune with him and read his word. All done in wisdom of course, but I see the demands on a mother and a wife. And I notice the demands and I am only a viewer from the outside for I have not been a mother yet. Oh I have the desire to love and not judge. To lift to cherish. I have a desire to be at home and serving in the kingdom. I say that now but I see how heavy some mothers have become. How does one keep the joy? How does one make sure she stays bathed in help as Sister Beck says, even in turbulent times? I don't know the answer, but I know that it stems and has to do with keeping Christ in my day every day. Keeping Him in my center. How to do this as a mother... I must find a way. I want to be a mother for Christ and this gospel. I want to be a wife that will adorn herself for her husband.
     ...
         Random journal, but my soul is full and stirs with Wonder.  I love my God. I love my Savior. How I yearn to be like them. How I yearn to bring anyone to them that would come.  I live and want to live my life for them.


 I studied in John tonight, and was yet reminded again that the desires I have, although don't match with a world outlook, are truly the desires of my heart. I am to "let my light so shine". I am not sure why I try so hard to hide it at times, or rather to not be seen as "churchy" ... but truth be told, this is who I am. 

And WHO am I? I am Bryndi K Cloward. I AM a daughter of God. I have Heavenly parents who love me, who's Godly traits are embryos inside me waiting to be 1.) discovered and 2.) developed & shared. I am a keeper of the Cloward and Babbel names. My parents and ancestors' blood runs through me and I will be true to the divine in them and me. I am a holder of my tongue. The Savior suffered long and I will learn to birth (as dad says) that embryo--to nurture it. I believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men...I believe all things, I hope all things, I have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, I seek after these things (13th Article of Faith).  I am not perfect. I am perfectly flawed. Through Christ my weaknesses can be made strengths. I will be, in the form God allows me to be, a mother and a wife that keeps Christ at her center. I am a barer of light. HIS light and I will let His light shine through me. I am Bryndi K Cloward. I am a hard worker, I am full of integrity and I see the "God" in those around me. I am a keeper of mens hearts. I am a giver of love, and a seeker of obtaining and giving unconditional love. I take joy and become bliss filled as I see/recognize His hand not only in my life but His hand in the lives of others. I am Bryndi K Cloward. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints--my own choice and blessed choice it is!! I am For Jesus Christ and am a builder in His kingdom. I know HE LIVES. 

I am Bryndi K. Cloward-- and I will let His Light, so shine, through me.

This is who I am/strive to be. And no matter what, Heavenly Father and His will come first... I will go. I will do, for I KNOW who I am.

I am Bryndi K Cloward. I am a child of God.